Urgh, Have You Ever Spoken This to Someone?
“You can trust me.”
Once, some years ago, I heard myself say the words:
‘You can trust me.’
As soon as they were out, I regretted them. Even now, going back in time to that moment, I can feel my face wrinkle in some disgust as it likely did then.
What did I just say? Was it actually true?
The next morning I came clean. I don’t remember entirely how that conversation went but it involved me actually telling him — a newish lover of mine — not to trust me. That he could not and should not overly rely on me to be any particular way of consistent or predictable. My responses today and how I felt in this moment weren’t necessarily going to be the same tomorrow.
It’s just what I saw as the truth.
When I was moved to speak the original sentiment, that he could trust me, I was motivated by what I thought was love. Wanting to be a helpful, supportive, giving, kind, loving person.
At that point in my life, though, I was opening up to the awareness that:
- I’m not always grounded or centred.
- I’m not always able to respond from a healthy and happy place.
- Sometimes I have hurt people.
- I have shadow aspects to which I am blind, but can be quite active in my behaviours.
Also, I could see that insisting someone trust me was actually seeking a kind of reward or validation. Put your trust into me so that I can feel that I’m worthy, that I have something to offer. Show me that you agree I’m good.
If you think about it, that’s kind of the same thing as thinking or saying that someone needs to ‘earn’ your trust. Prove it, show me that you’re worthy.
I’d like to think that I’ve evolved since that time, yet I still declare this, most particularly to men in intimate relationships:
I can’t be trusted.
And what I mean and understand about this now is:
- the arena of intimate relationships with men is the one in which my deepest, darkest pain and fear resides. I’ve uncovered a lot but the thing is we can never know what still remains lurking in the shadows and;
- inside of this dance of intimacy with a man, the most serious and ugly shit is bound to emerge and when that happens — all bets are kind of off.
So, for me, the most honest place from which to stand is, I can’t entirely be trusted.
You must enter at your own risk.
And I extend the same courtesy to him; I enter at my own risk.
Yet. There is another side to this.
The words I spoke to my current lover when I was in bed with him the first time, and he lay with all his weight and strength hovering above me, was:
‘Understand that you have the capacity to hurt me a great deal. And I trust you.’
It was not a planned, premeditated thought. In the moment, it was what I said and how I felt. And I began to understand that trust isn’t actually something that someone needs to earn or to request, it’s something to be granted and given freely.
Some months later there came another occasion when I was moved to tell him again. This time it went: ‘I trust you. And it’s ok to make mistakes.’
Do you know what follows receiving such a statement? A deep exhale.
Gifting someone with your trust inspires confidence; demanding it can feel manipulative and dishonest.
We can offer trust freely. We can choose to trust someone. Choosing to trust someone is less about their trustworthiness and more about our own willingness to shine a light on the other’s highest nature. For me, personally, it’s become a question of trusting my own intuition and guidance more than anything. It doesn’t mean all will go smoothly all the time. It doesn’t mean that trust is not tested at times.
But hopefully inside of this kind of honesty and authenticity, we create the space for communication and resolving the problems that arise. We will make mistakes but we can agree that we will work through them.
I wished someone had spoken those words to me, until I realized I could be that person for myself:
‘I trust you. And it’s ok to make mistakes. ‘
And to be clear, in December 2020, as I’m getting around to writing this I am still not offering myself up as someone to trust to the men I am romantically and intimately involved with…
To be continued.
